I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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