What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
