If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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