I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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