hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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