I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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