I think I died a long time ago.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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