Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
