mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
