I should be sponsored by Trojan
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
