I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
