We need to start having sex underwater more often.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
