is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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