Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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