she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
