Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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