Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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