I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
