i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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