so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
