69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
