What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
