omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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