I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
