you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
