The best revenge is premature balding
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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