i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
