I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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