I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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