Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Success! We fucked roommates!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
