Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
