haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
