hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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