I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
