Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
