I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
