Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
