no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
