Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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