I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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