not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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