You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
