Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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