party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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