Reggie can tackle my bush.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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