So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
