Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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