Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
