i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
