my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
