I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
