Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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