I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
