I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
